If Griffin Were To Stand In Oldham...

There's a rumour afoot that Griffin intends to muscle his way into the standing in Oldham and Saddleworth if it turns out that there will be a By-Election resulting from Phil Woolas being turfed out of his seat.

Lancaster Unity can now (thanks to our highly sophisticated, deep-cover network of Moles and MI5-sponsored Informants), exclusively reveal the first draft of Cyclops' Patented Multi-Use Election Address...

To the Voters of (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East).
(Delete Where Applicable)

Fellow Patriots:

As a proud (Yorkshireman / Cockney / Mancunian), born and bred, it has long been a cherished ambition of mine to represent the good people of (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East) at a Parliamentary level.

Many's the night I have whiled away with an excellent pint of (Theakstons / Fullers / Hydes), after a tasty dinner of (Yorkshire Pudding and Wensleydale / Eel Pie and Mash / Lancashire Hotpot and Barm Cakes); perhaps leading my fellow (Yorkshiremen / Cockneys / Mancunians) in a rousing chorus of (“On Ilkla Moor Baht 'At” / “Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner” / “Wonderwall”) to end the evening.

Wearing my (Flat Cap / Pearly Suit / Donnay Leisurewear), I will often stroll over the (Moors / Docklands / Canal Towpaths), pondering the great questions: “What can I do to help my fellow (Tykes / Cockneys / Mancunians)?”, or “How can I make (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East) a better place?”, and “How much do my fellow (Tykes / Cockneys / Mancunians) earn, and what are they worth in terms of disposable income and potential donations?”.

As busy as I am, I occasionally get the chance to watch an episode of my favourite Soap Opera; (“Emmerdale” / “Eastenders” / “Coronation Street”), and I find myself wondering “How would (Alan Turner / Ian Beale / Ken Barlow) react to the current state of things in (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East)?” And I find myself picturing his exclaiming (“By 'Eck!” / “Gor Blimey!” / “Skennin' like a whelk!)” at the picture of a damaged, neglected and Islamificationalised (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East) spread before them.

Then I like to think of how I, Nicholas Horatio Steerforth Ironsides Griffin, can help, and my thoughts leap immediately to the Voters of (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East), and how their (Yorkshire Nouse / East End Spirit of the Blitz / Mancunian Generosity) can best contribute to my (Campaign to Save Yorkshire / Campaign to Save the East End / Pension Plan).
There is hope, so long as you vote for me in the forthcoming Election. My solemn pledge to you is this: Make me your MP and my inherent (Yorkshire Grit / Cockney Wiles / Mancunian Ducking and Diving) will ensure a great future for (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Me).